Response to Matt Diaz's "Fortune"

Matt-

This story is about a man and a dog whose home was invaded by two robbers.  The dog gets shot but the man attempts to escape at the end.

Your story was very interesting.  It kept me engaged the entire time I was reading it because you inserted the main character's thoughts between small scenes of high tension situations.  This was not a typical character, truly not a cliche so I was interested in his thoughts because I knew they may not be like mine.  I like how you were able to make sitting in front of the TV eating Oreos interesting by your use of description.  I think that is what is golden about your story.  The thoughtfulness and the detailed images are intriguing.  I think you also did a good job making each scene clear.  There weren't any instances where I got lost or where I felt the action was inconsistent.

What bothered me the most is there are some words that were typed wrong, for example, "But even now I hesitate, after all that he is done..."  I'm pretty sure the "is" should be "has".  There were three or four instances like this that bothered me.  I also think that the main character's voice was oddly elementary compared the complex words that were inserted every now and then.  I completely respect your vocabulary but the strange juxtaposition threw me off.  I almost could read it in a child's voice and I don't know too much about the I to know if there is a reason he spoke or thought like that.  He also seemed pretty calm for having his dog killed.  I came to like the dog because of the first two paragraphs of your story and was sad at the images of his laying there bleeding.  I wondered why there wasn't more of an emotional response from the main character.  I think I would just like to have more things included that characterize the main character.  I would like something that indicated he is a normal businessman that just gets by, no wife, watches TV until he falls asleep and then I may understand why he does what he does and thinks what he thinks more effectively.

Response to Shelby Rice's "Beyond the Line"

Shelby-

This story was about a man named Isaac, married to a woman named Sophie, who is a soldier in a foreign place.  Eventually, he has to choose to obey an order to bomb a school or receiving a court martial.  He chooses the court martial which means he can go back home to his wife.

I was captured from the first sentence.  I think the scene on the bed was nicely presented.  The reason why it got my attention is because there were so many questions I had from the beginning, where does he have to go?  How long will he be there?  The whole story and its direction was very clear to me the entire time.  I also liked the dialogue you included.  I felt like it was natural and I didn't have a hard time telling the difference between the people.  I also like how you painted images in my head with different words than normal.

I did notice that Sophie seemed very important in the beginning scene and we only have a reference to her two more times in the story.  The scene where Isaac pulls out her picture is nice but it is what I always think of soldiers doing.  I think you could still use that scene but add some tension, but also add more references to her.  I never feel the tension being in war puts on their relationship again like I did in the first scene.  It was clouded by all of the fighting and planning to fight and coordinating.  I actually would have liked the story to be more about his and Sophie's relationship than all of the military scenes.  I think you have a wonderful knowledge of military terms and such but there was never the tension there that I first experienced, again, in the first scene.  One more thing, in the beginning you have a big vocabulary but as the story progresses it disappears.

Response to Kevin Boy's "Brotherly Love"

Kevin-

This story was about two brothers who are trying to live together after Steven (one of the brothers), I assume, left his wife.  The main conflict is that they cannot afford to live in the house that has been in their family for generations but Steven is too connected to it to leave and William is ready to accept a job and leave the house.

A problem I had with the beginning of your story is that there seems to be a lot of different people introduced in dialogue and action without warning.  Aunt Wilma makes a small appearance never to be seen again, and a kid shows up that I didn't know was there.  I ended up confused throughout page 2 and onto page 3 when someone named Patrick shows up, never to be seen again (I think this may have been a typo, however).  It started at, "Nice throw, Samuel."  I never see Samuel again either so I assume that is supposed to be Samantha.

Also, I wish there was more conflict.  I think you have good opportunities for higher stakes with the cigarette scene and the scene when the brothers are in the basement shooting pool and drinking.  Also with the house meaning so much to the family.  I'd like for you to dwell on one longer that you have in this draft and see where it goes.

The last scene was also a bit troublesome for me because I found it somewhat unbelievable.  I don't know how a robber would have been able to get all the way into their attic without them noticing him sooner.  It seemed strange that the man would go to the attic and not steal their electronics that would be downstairs. It may just be me though.

I think you have a good story with a lot of potential.  I think you have a good knack for wording dialogue naturally and you should use that more to your advantage to develop your characters.  I liked that you flipped the parenting relationship we normally see in stories to two brothers instead of the nagging parents who want to be divorced or who are divorcing.  Cool perspective.

Response to Christina Kettering's "Dress Rehearsal"

Christina-

This piece is about two sisters, Diana and Kate, who are a year apart.  We mostly see from Kate's perspective.  As the plot moves, she is at first in anticipation of prom as well as a play she is in.  She is putting off a relationship with Sean and she is bitter over her relationship with her younger sister.

I think you have a great handle on dialogue.  It kept me interested--the dialogue progressed very naturally and characterized Kate and Diana and Sean nicely, which I really liked.  My favorite dialogue was between Kate and Sean on page 4:

"My math teacher called me Diana again."
"Don't try to change the subject."
"I'm a year older, a foot taller, and I have red hair."
"You're avoiding the issue."
"I don't look a think like her."
"Actually, you have the same chin."

I won't write all of it, but I felt that this was a nice speed for a short story and really mimics something I could hear or say myself.  It also was a point of tension, a conflict we knew had been building and now we are actually getting a display of the character's true sentiments toward her sister.

I did feel like this may have been one of the only points of big tension though.  I would have liked to see higher stakes because the subject you chose, especially for teenaged girls has high stakes in their minds.  What I suggest is maybe choosing whether to go with a conflict within Kate's relationship with her sister or her relationship with Sean.  For a max of 15 pages, maybe you can only pursue one.  Or maybe you find that both do work for 15 pages but you may need to cut out some of the scenes and add stakes to the ones you keep.  I think this story has great potential.  You already have some stakes and great instances like the scene when she is on stage for dress rehearsal and says different lines.  Make that scene more telling and dramatic, or maybe more of a catharsis for Kate than it seems now.

The only other thing I had a hard time with was distinguishing between Kate and Diana.  They seem very similar from the beginning and I couldn't keep straight which was going to prom and which was older.

Response to Janelle Green's "The Truth Behind the Window"

Janelle,

“The Truth Behind the Window” seems to be about a woman, Christina, who observes the goings on in her well-to-do neighborhood.  From it she realizes that she is stuck in a terrible marriage and that her neighbors are hiding terrible marriages and other things behind their wealth as well.  Christina though seems like the only voice of reason.

The issue I found first is that you tell me a lot in the story that I would rather find out from the actions in the story.  For example, when the little girl falls off her bike after whining that it wouldn’t go all by itself, you wrote, “She was one of those whiny little brats that cried about the smallest of things, and this turned out to be one of those times.”  This sentence is basically a summary of what I had guessed was the case in the scene.  By you telling me, the scene loses its effect and I feel less engaged.  Also, the use of the stars to separate the sections--I don’t know if you really need those.  When I first saw them I thought your story was going to be a series of scenes Christina witnessed as she watched out of her window, but it turned a lot more into a single story about Christina.  Lastly, I had a hard time fully understanding Christina as a character.  I think if you did a bit less telling that would solve a bit of the problem.  I never had to try and understand her point of view for myself but I would have preferred to figure it out myself.

What I did like is how Christina is observing through her window.  I think that is an accurate, believable depiction of a woman living in that kind of rich neighborhood.  I also think it is an interesting statement about the frivolousness of wealth and what it does to our character.  Even she feels the need to hide behind a window to watch her neighbors that are hiding behind prideful demeanors and nice houses.  I also liked how you referenced the Macarena and Ward Cleaver.  Those are fun and really let me take part in imagining the scene.

Response to T.C. Boyle's "The Love of My Life"

"...clouds the color of iron filings, the lake hammered to iron too, and the storm that crashed through the trees beat at their tent with a thousand angry fists."  What an awesome line!  When I read this, I had a vivd image in my head of what the clouds would have looked like.  Cool.

For the beginning of this story to be successful, Boyle had to use something unconventional to pull the story up from something cliche.  It could have gone downhill so fast because teenage love is just sappy and shallow and we've heard that all before.  I think his language, his diction is the aspect that saves this story from being that.  So many times he uses descriptions that I have not heard, many of them gruesome too--"He never gave a thought to what lay discarded in the Dumpster out back, itself wrapped in plastic, so much meat, so much cold meat."  But this diction was so relevant to the character of Jeremy.  He can't say that he threw away his own baby; it had to be lifeless and non-human for him to be able to justify his actions.  But what an awful justification.

From the beginning of the short story I was not expecting the ending in any way.  I did not know that this had been a news story, so if I had I may have clued in sooner.  But the events leading up to her pregnancy weren't my favorite.  He did, however, include a deeper conflict when they were camping and China told Jeremy "I will never be like those breeders that bring their puffed-up squalling little red-faced babies to class."  Then I figured she would probably get pregnant.  But the pregnancy that did happen was far out of what I would have believed would happen.  And that made the couple's relationship from the beginning much more significant.

I just can't say enough about Boyle's imagery.  I scanned through the story after I read it just to read my favorite lines again.  

Response: "Vacation from Boyhood" by Cole Stuart

Summary:

Two guys, Connor and the narrator, who have been friends, but not best friends, since they were young decide to go on a weekend trip to express their manliness.  We see them as they prepare for their trip, pick up beer and snacks, arrive at the cabin, make a fire, and eventually burn down the cabin.

Cole,

First I want to mention the wordiness found in your story that continues through to the end.  If you would comb through and delete unnecessary words, the voice of your narrator would mature and you would leave yourself more room for characterization and setting descriptions that I found lacking.  Second, I felt that neither of your characters were wanting in your story.  Sure, they both wanted to act manly but I didn’t see the significance of this to Connor or the narrator other than simply to reproduce old times.  Even if your narrator wants to remember days past, that can be a good desire to put in him.  Just take it further so that the reader can experience tension alongside him.  To please your reader, you really need to include him or her.  I wanted to feel alongside Connor and the narrator but I never got to bridge the gap that stood between their story and my feelings about it.  I felt distanced from them when I would rather be in their heads feeling joy when they feel joy and worry when they feel worry and all that jazz.

I did like the comedic instances you included in the thoughts and speech of the narrator.  I think that can be used effectively, especially in the case of having characters who are college aged.  I also think there is an extent to which it can be too much so you will have to be careful.  I do suggest you keep it though.  I also think you have a good plot in your hands.  I think the story has good potential and there are a lot of places you can add tension and such.

Response: "The Day Beverly Lost Jessica" by Paul Vance

I was pretty sure I had posted this last week...but I was looking again and apparently I hadn't.  I'm very sorry!

As a quick summary, Paul’s short story was about a mother named Beverly and her daughter, Jessica, who go to a talent agency (World Wide Music) that seemingly represents only teenagers.  While they are there, Jessica’s talent for singing is discovered and as Beverly tries to discuss the next steps with Jackson, who works for the agency, Jessica messes with the music controls in the room and a fight breaks out in the lobby.  During these events Beverly loses Jessica.

Paul,

I had a problem deciphering the first paragraph because of the run-ons.  I know this was intentional but it was hard to read and actually realize the plot.  I couldn’t tell for a couple of lines whether Beverly or Jessica was the one whose thoughts were revealed.  If her voice had sounded a bit more mature I think I would have gotten it quicker.  I also think the block of text is a strange contrast to the heavy dialogue that comes after it.  Maybe if the beginning narration was broken into a few more sentences then the dialogue would feel more comfortable.  I think the reason why the first sentence doesn’t work at it’s present length is because we don’t sense that nervous energy Beverly has because of the situation from the very beginning because we haven’t learned enough for her to be so overly nervous.  Her nervousness irked me for a bit until I realized why she could have been so nervous.  Lastly, I don’t quite understand what happened at the very end and I would like to know physically where Jessica went.

I did like the story as a whole and the direction it headed in.  I like the use of a mother and daughter relationship growing apart because of age.  That is interesting and I think you represented it in a not so expected or predictable way.  I think you achieved this with the dialogue and also with the focus not so much on Beverly’s thoughts but the actions that are taking place around her.  I really enjoyed your dialogue and how you let it carry the plot.