Sweat Stripes Across Our Bellies

I feel like this could be expanded more.  I wish I had more time to revise because this story changed a lot!  I am happy with the revisions, I just think I ended too soon.  Let me know what you think.  Suggestions are very welcome!  

I’ve taken care of sick people for 11 years but it’s different when it’s your own mother who has failing health.  I thought those years as a heart transplant coordinator made me fearless, a woman who could handle every bleeding knee, broken arm, or surgery that could ever befall her children or family.  But no gasping, white patient depending on me to find them a heart told me how to handle my elderly mother with memory loss.  Often Dad calls to tell me about her roaming the house looking for her glasses so she can read the recipes she used to have memorized.  Her shrill cries of surprise when she finds them on the top of the piano in the dining room echo through countless afternoons and are recounted to me as I sit defeated, states away.  

I call my brother at least once a week to discuss mom’s condition.  The news is never of improvements, it’s usually of periods where she has stayed the same or has changes to her medication.  Often he will ask me when I am planning to visit.  He tells me it would be nice to have a nurse’s help but his motive is to get me in Pennsylvania again. He can’t fool a wounded daughter into believing that coming home would only be to provide nursing know-how.

“So what are you trying to say, Connie?”

“I’m saying that it makes sense to forgive Mom and go visit her in Dalmatia but my heart is still refusing to forgive her.”

“Well if you know the problem, why did you call me?”

“Because I want you to decide for me, Rick.  I want you to make me choose one way or the other.  Convince me.”

“I’ve been trying to, Connie.  You’re the only one that is still upset.  Shouldn’t that be a clue that coming home won’t be as bad as you think?”

“I just can’t forget how she treated me.”

“That is your pride talking.  It’s been a long time since you moved to Alabama and when has Mom ever held a grudge for so long?  I really can’t decide for you but you know exactly what the right answer is.  Mom has Dementia, for Pete’s sake.”

Rick hung up without letting me feel any more sorry for myself.  I hug up the receiver and walked to the bed where Craig looked up at me and smiled his “I-love-you-but-your-brother-is-right” grin that I could recognize on his face if it was miles away.  Yes, apparently Rick is right so often that my husband has a smile designated for his agreement and I have it memorized.  I rolled my eyes and climbed into bed next to him.  Affectionate but careful, Craig rubbed my arm until he fell asleep and my thoughts were stayed on Dalmatia, Pennsylvania...

The summer was my favorite.  I hated the bugs, but the sweet, corn-scented air made them bearable.  At night I would sleep with my windows open and sometimes you could hear the wind cut through the fields and toss the stalks back and forth.  I always tried to fall asleep before the 10:00 train came through.  The tracks were just over 50 yards from our house and it would be another half hour before the whistling could stop echoing in my head.  In Birmingham I just hear the highway when things get quiet.  

When I woke up I could hear Craig in the kitchen eating his Cheerios.  Since he ate slow, he always let his spoon fall back into the bowl from his mouth so every 30 seconds was a loud bang.  I got up to do what I had done each Saturday since I was old enough to walk.  Garden.  

Mom and Dad were diligent in keeping a garden but it was mostly Mom and me on Saturdays watering and weeding.  By the time we finished, we smelled like hay and wet grass clippings.  Our hair would be stuck to our damp foreheads and Mom wouldn’t bother changing from her sweat striped shirt.  

We were in the garden when the fight started.  I was finishing up my nursing degree at Pitt and I was applying for jobs.  I was somewhat desperate to leave Dalmatia to prove that my degree was worthwhile, but also because I was just ready to work hard.  As we were pulling weeds I mentioned the job I was planning to take.

“So, I got a job offer recently.”

“Wow, Connie, already?”

“Yeah, it’s at a really nice hospital, mom.  I would be on a heart transplant team.”

“Oh, I just can’t believe you are so old.  Don’t you just want to take a while to spend being young for me a little longer?”

“You’re funny.  Seriously, this is the best offer I’m gonna get.”

“What hospital is it?”

“It’s a hospital in Birmingham, Alabama associated with a college so they are interested in research.  It couldn’t be more perfect.”

Mom stopped smiling.  She stopped pulling weeds and sat back as her eyes remained fixed on mine.  I stared back, quizzically but she eventually looked away, got up and walked inside.  

The rest of the week she spent acting hurt.  When she spoke to me she wasn’t inviting, she was reserved, and our conversations were mere exchanges of facts.  She asked a few things about Birmingham and my plans to move there and when I would be able to start the job, but showed no excitement.  Her intention was to put me on a guilt trip and it worked and worked until I was living in a city with no friends and only directions to get to the hospital and back.  That is when I started to rely on Dad.  I’d only talk to him so that she would feel ignored and that it would remind her of how she treated me.  I put him in a hard position then and he was never one to mediate.  He avoided conflict altogether.

“I can’t even understand you, Connie.  Try to calm down.”

“I...I can’t understand, Dad.  Why would she do this to me?”

“It would really be better if you didn’t call me when you were crying.”

“I need you to tell me it’s okay, Dad.”

“It’ll be fine, Connie.  Mom loves you.”

“Dad...I know she does, but I don’t know it too.”

“None of this is a surprise to you.  You had to know it would go something like this.  We have been in Dalmatia our whole lives and it isn’t often anyone leaves here.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I’m proud of you but you could have tried harder to make it easier on your mom.”

“I didn’t call so you can tell me I’m the one to blame.”

“I didn’t answer so I could lie to you, Hon.”

“I’ve gotta go.  I need sleep tonight.  Bye, Dad.”

Pulling up weeds in the garden has been a sort of strange therapy since then.  I work every Saturday that I can, as long as I can, tearing weeds from the soil and nursing vegetables as they grow.  Craig will stop by the kitchen window to wave or just smile down at me while I’m out there.  

“Hey Con!” He had a glass of water in his hand and an envelope in the other and was walking toward me.  I stood up and met him, taking the water glass.

“What’s in the envelope?”

“Well...long-version or short-version?”

“Short.” I smiled.

“A letter from Dalmatia.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”  He handed it to me and I opened it carefully.  I didn’t want Craig to see my eagerness to know what was inside.  It was from Rick so it really could have been anything.  Normally, the only mail we get from him are family Christmas cards.

I pulled out a piece of paper that read:

“SHE FORGAVE YOU A LONG TIME AGO.”

And a plane ticket.  

The toilet flushed at 6:00 am and Mom swayed down the hallway to the stairs and into the kitchen where she began to put up clean dishes.  The noise had woken me up so I went downstairs to join her minutes later.  I helped with the dishes, then chopped fresh herbs and put them into bags for the freezer.  We talked about old friends whose kids were having babies, relatives who had passed on or were sick, and general reminiscing about days in Dalmatia that, for her, were un-fogged, perfectly remembered, and savored.  By 8:00 we had moved outside to the vegetable garden.  Mom sat in a lawn chair as I pulled up weeds and watered the tomatoes, peppers, and herbs growing as small souvenirs of years past.  She watched me for an hour as the dew mixed with our sweat and stuck our hair to our foreheads.  She called to me waving her hands to get my attention so we could go in and have a glass of water and begin to cook breakfast.  Not once did she bring up the years past.  Maybe she really had forgotten the years I had let my anger keep me away.  Perhaps she held on loosely so the Dementia took those memories sooner than the rest.  But it seemed like it was gone and my old Mom grinned at me as I walked toward her.  I helped pull her out of the chair and we walked into the house, arms linked, with stripes of sweat across our bellies.

So, Why Now?

I wish I had more time in revising this.  It really changed a lot from the previous story and I feel like I had to end it too soon and I think additions may be good.  I would love any comments or suggestions!

“So, why now?”

“Mom, you knew this was coming.  It shouldn’t be a surprise to you.”

“Yeah, but do you really want to marry a 19-year-old?”

“He will be 20 by the wedding, and that’s not the point.”

“Then what is the point, Essie?”

“The point is that we have been praying for our marriage to happen in God’s timing.  I mean, I can truly say I have seen Him work this out in our lives.  Nate got that co-op last minute, I am graduating in time, not to mention...”

“Sometimes...things just don’t work out like that.  God doesn’t always lead like that.  It makes more sense for you to wait until you both have jobs...what if he is holding you back from your dreams?”

“What dreams are you talking about?  Honestly, when have you ever thought of me as one to climb some corporate ladder?  Can’t success have nothing to do with money?”

“Well good luck doing anything without money, Essie.  What do you think you can accomplish without it?”

“Plenty, mom.  Haven’t you ever thought loving your husband can be successful?”

“Sometimes you just need to make your own money. God won’t provide you things that you can provide for yourself.”

“I can’t win this, mom.  You don’t really want to resolve this.  I’m gonna to go now.  Bye.”

Her end disconnected.  I couldn’t touch the knitting project sitting in my lap.  I closed my eyes and leaned back.   A minute or two later I felt Doug sit down on the couch next to me.  He ran his hand over my forehead and down the side of my face.

“Beth, I love you, but what is the matter?”

“Not you too.”

“I’m just wondering why you can’t be happy.”

I wouldn’t respond to him.  I moved the yarn off my lap and went back to our room to get ready for bed.    

The truth is, I knew Essie was still naive.  I didn’t teach her to be the girl that got married so young, still in school without a proper income.  But it had to be my fault she ended up that way.  When she was young, maybe six or seven, she started to ask about my relationship with her dad.  It was the girls at school who started it because the moms in the PTA were discussing what story they decided to tell their daughters about their marriages.  Essie would come home telling stories about Jamie’s parents and Lindsay’s parents and then wanted to know her parents story to tell on the bus ride the next morning.  I told her the romantic, conflict-free version of our marriage because it was all she needed to know at that age.  I never told her anything false, I just didn’t give her the whole picture.

“Well, your dad and I, we started to date when we were 16 and we dated until we got married right after we both graduated from MSU.  Neither of us had dated anyone else, so we were each other’s first loves.”

And that was the story I told the PTA moms and my daughter.  And they were sighing over the dream-likeness of the story and soon I was sighing too. 

“You must really have important love to love each other so long.”  Is what Essie told me as we waited for the bus to come pick her up.

Essie and Nate started dating in high school.  Essie was a senior and Nate, a sophomore.  Nate was one of her brother’s friends and somehow they ended up getting to know each other.  Nate wasn’t Essie’s first boyfriend.  She actually had a different one for each year of high school.  She told me she just couldn’t tell them no because it may hurt their feelings.  But two months later she would get tired of them and send them whimpering back into singleness. The difference between Nate and the other boys was that he loves her and Essie loves him.

After two weeks, Essie and Nate came home from MSU for the weekend.  Their faces were practically glowing with happiness as if they were billboards advertising getting engaged at a young age.  They convinced Doug.  A few bites into dinner that night and he was asking for the proposal story.  

“I’ll let Essie tell it, she enjoys telling it and I like to watch her.”

“You only like it because you make fun of my hand motions.” 

“Yeah, and I know your dad would appreciate them too.”

Essie couldn’t make a mad face at Nate that didn’t look like a smile.

After dinner Nate took Essie’s plate to the sink as she continued to talk to her dad.  I took a few dishes to the sink as well so he couldn’t start cleaning our dishes for us.  I just can’t let a guest clean our dishes, even if he has been familiar in our house for four years.  He set the plates on the counter and turned around to smile at me.

“Can I help you Mrs. Beth?”

“No, I’ve got it.  You can go relax with Essie.”

“I can load a dishwasher pretty well.  You can hand me the dishes when you clean them off.”

“I’d hate to make a guest clean.”

“I really don’t mind.”

Just because I was tired, I let him help me.  For a second I thought he may have wanted to talk to me about my sentiments toward the engagement, but he was quiet most of the time.  He asked about work and let me talk until we were finished.  As I dried my hands he looked at me like he wanted to express something he couldn’t put words to.  He scooted closer to me and gave me a hug and smiled at me then walked to the den to sit by Essie.

“Mom?”

“Yeah, Essie?”

“I want to talk to you about Nate and me.”

“Okay.”

“Do you want to hear it?”

“Sure.”

“Well, I know that you aren’t happy.  I know we had discussed about this happening a few years from now, but we made plans.  I have a spreadsheet of our finances for the next five years and it works, mom.”

I nodded at her with an emotionless face.  

“So, why wait when it all adds up?  The waiting is hard.  And I know you won’t believe me but I do believe that God is leading us.”

Essie told me again that they are getting married in God’s timing, that He cares for His children and that means He won’t let them fail if they are in His will.  Her confidence scares me sometimes.  It’s like she really believes what she is saying.  I know that God is who He says He is, for goodness sake, I go to church every Sunday and give away a big chunk of my salary but I am also a practical woman and it doesn’t make sense to rely on something that isn’t certain.  But there was a sincerity in her voice that can’t be faked.  It made me wonder if I was wrong.  

“Doug, do you remember how being engaged felt?”

“It felt like relief.”

“Yeah, I remember that too.”

“What did Essie talk to you about?”

“She was telling me more about God.”

“How was that?”

“I don’t know yet.  Do you think Essie has changed?”

“Yeah, Beth, a lot.”

“Do you think she is wrong to get married young?”

“No.”

I taught Essie to garden when she was six.  Before then she would watch me out of the window in the kitchen holding a plastic shovel and watching every move I made.  But as she grew up we would go out early and pull weeds and water and she would be excited to see the blooms appear.  The May she turned nine years old, I was driving her back from school when we passed her favorite house in the neighborhood.  The flowers in the front yard were blooming and there wasn’t a patch of dirt left to fill in with some plant.  “Mamma!  Their garden looks like Southern Living.  Oh, it’s beautiful.” I looked over and she was looking back over her shoulder, as best as she could, to watch the house until it was out of view.

So that year I had to make my garden look like a Southern Living garden, not because Essie demanded it, but because I wanted her to say that our garden was beautiful too.  And it was.  And as years passed, I let her fill her own bed.  She really had a knack for it too.  She never took long to plan what she wanted, she just had a sharp eye for seeing how things would look before they were there.    

“You just have to trust that plants will be beautiful.  They always have been.”

“That’s all, Essie?”

“Well, if you do your part there is no reason they shouldn’t grow.”

“There are other reasons, but I get your point.”

“I’m glad you know the reasons.”

“Yeah, I can help you and you can help me.”

I was starting to feel less and less like the one who knew the reasons.  I could tell you about Noah’s ark and Samson’s hair and Jesus’ cross but Essie’s trust in God was stumping me.  For years I relied on Doug to explain things I couldn’t.  We were both diligent people and we knew that things needed to happen.  There were plenty of times where I blamed him and he blamed me for things that went wrong, but somehow they never tore our marriage apart.  I wonder how we love each other sometimes.  Do I love him for him, or do I love him for me?  It seems like Essie loves Nate for Nate.

I walked back to our bedroom and shut the door behind me.  I grabbed my Bible off the nightstand and got on my knees on the floor.  I couldn’t open it yet because I was pretty sure that when I opened it, it would be new to me.  Tears began to slide down my cheeks and off the tip of my nose.  I put the Bible on the floor and laid my cheek on top of it and closed my eyes, hoping the cool leather would be comforting too. 

Response to Shelby Rice's "A Flicker in the Night"

Shelby -

This short short story was a girl remembering when her mom would tuck her in to go to sleep.

I really love the "nostalgia" -- I am thinking of a different word but I can't remember it -- the reminiscing feeling of this story.  I think you have a strong, clear voice in the story and I like your descriptions; they seem very significant to your story as a whole.

I read this story as if the narrator was a little girl, rather than an older girl reminiscing.  I don't know how much of a problem that is (it could just be that I read it badly) but I wasn't prepared to be pulled back out of the remembering at the end.  The voice saying "Mama" and the descriptions just didn't sound like they were coming from an older girl.  It sounded young.

Also, I want to add that I like the spacing in your story and how you use it to give attention to certain sentences.  However, I do not understand the significance of the ending of the story.  You talk about the mother not coming in but I don't know where she is or why she isn't there or much more than it is different than it used to be for the narrator.  I wonder if the mother died but I feel like that can't be assumed from what is given.  She could be on a long trip for all I know.

I really enjoy your writing.  I really love the smell of the perfume "Mama" wears and how you describe the girl falling asleep.  Very nice to read!

Response to Robert Lee's "Jenson's Day"

Robert -

Your short short is about a day in the life of Jenson, who is late to his job because of traffic, or maybe because of the girl who was in his bed...it seems like days like these are normal for him.

I liked the dialogue in this story.  It was interesting how you presented the television as if the people on it were in the room.  It is an interesting statement about television that it is included in our lives so much that we actually try to accommodate the people on it into our lives.  I feel like a lot of the dialogue was really natural and comfortable to read so good job.

A few parts in there get confusing.  Does he work for a lawyer?  If he does, why is he wearing cargo pants to work?  I didn't notice that Jenson changed any throughout the story.  I'm not sure how to recommend him to change... I don't know if he is unhappy or happy with his life.  So, there may be no conflict in this story other than a boss who is really demanding.

At the end of the story, the narrator mentions that the cat was watching Snookie on T.V.  Is this the woman who is catlike or is this Jenson's cat?  I feel like there may be some significance to the ending that I am not getting.

Response to Patrick Padilla's "From Me For You"

Patrick -

Your short story is about a guy who is mourning alongside his cousin after the death of her husband on Thanksgiving day.

What I really love about your story is how you describe the Mexican/Spanish dishes being prepared for Thanksgiving.  I have never heard about a Thanksgiving without a Turkey and your descriptions really let me imagine the food and how it smelled.  Those details really characterized the narrator.  For example, I loved when he mentioned he ate the green chili because he was "too old for the mild now".  I also liked that you focused on a relationship with a cousin.  I think it is a really interesting dynamic.  Cousins can be wonderful and influential or you can be totally disconnected from them.

I wish I understood more about Isaiah's relationship with Debbie previous to Thanksgiving.  I think if you could include things about them growing up together or specific details that show how Debbie was an influence to Isaiah or maybe even how her husband, Albert, was important to him.  I'd like to be more comfortable with Isaiah's tears and his inability to keep down his food at the end of the story.  At one point you mention that she is the "cool" cousin and I'd like to understand why other than her smile and talent for dancing.  I feel like those don't have much to do with Isaiah unless he aspires to be like her.

I think you have a knack for interesting small details that can really paint a setting but it some places I feel like they are unattached.  For example, on page 2, first paragraph, it is about moving to Chicago and missing things about New Mexico.  While I like the details, the paragraph doesn't have anything to do with what come before or after it.  However, if the move has something significant to do with why Isaiah is connected with his cousin then include it and go into more detail or include a scene.  Also, the details about Albert seem like reminiscing that isn't connected to why Debbie or Isaiah are sad over his death.  The details about his jokes are comical but I don't know why they are included.  Maybe you can make them more significant through a scene or two.

I really did enjoy reading this!

Response to Molly Kirkpatrick's "Blood"

Molly -

Your short story is about a girl, Scarlett, who is in a psychiatric facility talking to a psychiatrist.  She is there because of a suicide attempt from cutting herself sometime after her dad died.  We learn details about her parents that would seemingly lead to her cutting.

I really like how this story is not something I have heard before.  I think the things that are working for you are definitely the details about the cat being run over and the patients as well as Scarlett's reactions at the dying and death of her cat and her father.  These all work to create an original character.  I also think Scarlett has a strong voice in this piece that serves to characterize her very well.

The thing that isn't working as well is that, like my story, yours is basically all summary with no real scenes.  The one dialogue you included was a remembering of an exchange between Scarlett and her dad.  I think having things happen in scenes would give the details I mentioned that were working for you even greater impact.  Also, I didn't sense much of a change in Scarlett since your story was summary.  Since the point of view she held at the end of the story was they same one she held at the beginning, though she was talking about a time she didn't have the same point of view, the character didn't ever go through a change.

I know the mom in this should be OCD because of the details but I would like for Scarlett to actually say she is rather than me just perceiving through details because I want Scarlett to have a voiced opinion about her mother.  The mom is satirized throughout the whole piece but I never hear the narrator say that she does or doesn't like her mother.  On that same note, I want more specific detail about the dad so that I can like him more and know him better as a character since he played such a big role in Scarlett's life.

Even though there are great details about the psychiatric facility, I feel like they are in excess and they can be replaced by these details about the parents.  I care more about that relationship.  Since you spent a lot of time describing the psychiatric facility I thought something more significant would happen there.

Overall, this is a great piece!  I really enjoyed reading it.

Response to Janelle Green's "Safe"

Janelle -

Your short story is about a girl, Alexandra, who has a fear of men.  She finds herself faced with her fears when a masked man breaks in and tries to rape her.  By the end we find out this man was her dad.

I think your story is relatable because I have such similar fears to Alexandra, not because my parents are divorced but because I'm just a fearful person and I think you got those details exactly right.  I also liked that you used the dog to indicate that something is different from normal.  You did a good job of creating that suspense and drawing it out over a period that isn't too long but long enough for the reader to be engaged.

I feel like there are places where you can be more specific about what Alexandra is seeing or doing that would give the reader more of a sense of setting.  For example, on page 3 "Nope, just a black street, a sidewalk, and a lonely stop sigh, a few bushes, and my car."  I think you could describe the yard more fully in a way that lends to the creepiness she is feeling and even further in a way that characterizes her or her parents more.  I'd say the same thing about your opening paragraph.  If you included a scene in there rather than examples, it may become a stronger statement about Alexandra's fears rather than a comical list of her fears.

Overall, I'd like to know more about why the parents divorced because I didn't expect the dad to be the one to try and rape her (however I did think it was cool that it explains why the door could be opened, because he may have had a key to the house).  I would also like to know more specifics about Alexandra that make her a person so that she doesn't act like every other girl her age would but she has unique things that make her stand out as a character.

I enjoyed it!

Response to Kevin Boy's "Where to Start?"

Kevin -

Your story is about Darroll, a teenager who has been under the dictatorship of his parents for far too long and by the end he decides to do something about it.

First, I really enjoy the comedic details you have included like "Kingdoms, homes, prisons?  They're the same if you ask me."  Also, the part about the worn out bean bag being his throne watching the dinosaur wallpaper.  It's interesting to see how the wallpaper changes throughout the story too.  I shows the passage of time as he has gotten older and also how his compliance is fading and peeling just as the boyish wallpaper has.

I feel like you have many different directions you can go with this story.  You have a lot of detail but I don't feel like any of it is particularly followed up.  For example, you talk about the dad being consumed with SportsCenter and a nagging mother but I'd like more insight into why they are that way, even if you have the character speculating.  Also, I thought something scary was going to happen in the basement because of the way you introduced it, but Darroll actually found a sort of redemption there by finding his grandfather's will.  And you also have the one day experience at school.  Right now it is funny but I would like for it to reveal more about Darroll or his parents as characters.

I am guessing this story isn't a complete draft because I feel like it stopped right when you had begun to put in the climax of the story, before that we just have backstory basically.  Like I said earlier, you have a lot of options to take it places.  I just suggest you go in a direction that you have never heard of before because the parents in this story are pretty typical parents and it is pretty typical for a boy to hate them for their seeming ignorance and instead find solace in pursing a car.  I also saw the car thing coming so if there is a way that you can make him obtaining the car less deus ex machina and more full of conflict I think it would work better.

Overall, I enjoyed what you have so far and I enjoy the humor!

Response to Jhumpa Lahiri's "Once in a Lifetime"

This short story is about Hemma's family and Kaushik's family and their experience as Indian-Americans. Kaushik and his parents come to live with Hemma's family while they look for a home in Massachusetts where they have returned after 7 years in India.  The whole of the story is about how the two families are different and at the end we are told that Kaushik's mother has breast cancer and that is the reason they returned to the U.S.

I was impressed by Lahiri's ability to write such a long story in second person so successfully.  The only time I felt like I didn't have enough information is when I realized I didn't know what sex the speaker was.  We didn't find out Hemma was a girl until the fourth page and I really didn't get specific detail that could have revealed that to me sooner.  That was frustrating.  Other than that, Lahiri was able to characterize both families pretty completely by the end of the story.

I ended up really liking the use of second person but I did think there would have been more of a reason for it than there ended up actually being.  It tended to give Hemma a very young sounding voice so I was confused as to how old she actually was in comparison to Kaushik and I expected some relationship between to two of them to develop because she was addressing him the whole time.  I thought, because of her extreme attention to him, in addressing him specifically and revealing details of how she had a crush on him, there would be some kind of fruit coming from their relationship by the end.  However, there never was much of a fruitful relationship between the two of them which left me disappointed because I had expected something more than what I was given.

I enjoyed the chracterization of the parents and how Hemma was able to interact with the two mothers.  I liked the involvement of food and shopping and the descriptions of what they cooked and purchased because it all created a more intimate knowledge of these people and what they were like.

I enjoyed the story but I did feel like it wasn't complete by the time it finished.

Response to Christina Kettering's "Password Protected"

Christina -

This short story is about a girl, Julia, who is surfing around Facebook and remembering her brother, Thomas, as well as contemplating the burden of social media.

I think it is really interesting that you used Facebook and a brother with leukemia together to create this story.  I feel like there may have been a lot of themes going on combined with seriousness and hilarity.  It got to be kinda full for a six page story.  I would suggest either making it funny or making it serious and deciding on whether you want Julia's relationship with her brother to be the main focus or Facebook.

I did really like the comedy you included when it came to Facebook posts and things.  It got a bit morbid with the suicide event.  And I think it gets heavy when it is juxtaposed with Thomas and his illness.  So again, I may choose to include one or the other...but I don't know.  It didn't bother me to the point where I was too uncomfortable.

I would also like to see a bit more scenes in your story.  I'd like to see more interaction with the brother.  She obviously really loved him and I want to love him and understand her heartbreak when he died and why she felt the need to give him a life on Facebook.

I think you really have a lot to work with and I really think that the comedy you included is golden!  You had me laughing.  I enjoyed reading!

Response to Shelby Rice's "The Bleeps and Blips of Life"

Shelby -

The short story you wrote is about a woman named Anna who ultimately deals with the decision of whether or not to take her dad off life support.  During that time she comes against hard feelings she has for her sister, Karen, and her mother.

Overall, I think this story is very well written.  The biggest problem I had was that the mom and the dad seem like a cliche version of moms and dads in stories.  I think they were predictable because they remained the same for the story.  The mom was mean and the dad was Anna's favorite.  The part I was most enraptured in was the scene that Anna's dad had broken glass in his wrist because it was different, something I had never read before and it worked to characterize him, set him apart from any other dad.

I do think the relationship between the sisters was interesting too, not cliche.  I think it worked really well for the story and it made Anna really interesting that she had such a hard time accepting her sister.

Another thing to address is that I feel like Anna was long winded about how her mother didn't like her and how much she disliked her sister.  I feel like at some points it may get a bit pity party-ish just because she is reiterating the bad relationships more than once.

I love love love the first two paragraphs (the description of the hospital).  So creative!  That is such a perfect description.  I also think you did a great job describing the scene where the dad gets broken glass stuck in his wrist.  I think you are really good at providing enough information when it comes to scenes so maybe you should include a more specific one for the mother?

Good job, Shelby.  I really enjoyed reading this!

Response to Cole Stuart's "Status Quo"

Cole -

Your short story was about Jake who is in school and he likes to test the status quo, figure out why it is there.  He ends up getting suspended for tardies and meets some guys there who he becomes friendly with and let him smoke with them.

I just have to say, once I read the title of your story, I couldn't get that song from High School Musical out of my head.  It's called "Status Quo" too I think...

Anyways, I enjoyed the comedic value of this story.  You have a nice way of wording things that work to make statements truly funny.  You also put some corny things in the story and it worked because it was in dialogue.  I like the way your story is going with a guy who likes to test the boundaries of social norm.  I would actually make that more apparent.  I feel like I want to know more about how he tests the norm and specifically why he does it.  His reasoning so far is that he just likes to see people's reactions but I think you should make him have more of a reason for doing the things he does.  Did he do it when he was a kid too?  Or is this a new thing?

Also, I don't feel like the character truly changed at the end of the story.  He liked to test the limits from the beginning and at the end we find him doing the same thing.  I think you can add some tension by having a character be a strict follower of the norm and have them interact.  Or you could have one of the guys Jake meets test the norm even more extremely than Jake does so that it offends Jake or so that it makes him learn something about playing with social standards.

I think this story is definitely worthwhile.  I enjoyed it!

Response to Matt Diaz's "Series of Omissions"

Matt-

Your short story is an obituary for Norman O'Connor, but it is more like someone was writing the rough draft of the obituary and couldn't decide how to say what they wanted to the right way.  

I think the story is so cool, especially the way that it comes off as a rough draft.  It is so telling of a person what people want to say about them at their funeral.  It was an effective strategy on your part because you really kept the tension high.  This man was not someone who was all good or all bad which makes for a great, realistic character.  I loved all of the personal details that this allowed you to insert as well, with the wife and kids.

Two things I noticed, when you are talking about the wife and the fur coat, I got mixed up in all of the "he"s and "she"s to where I couldn't tell who was doing what.  Second, there are a few places where there are typos like words not included that probably should be there.  

I really enjoyed the description in your story and your ability to produce a believable character and also a narrator that is torn over their feelings about Mr. O'Connor.  It is incredible that no information about the speaker is given but I am so satisfied with the information given.

Awesome job!

Response to David Foster Wallace's "Incarnations of Burned Children"

This short story is about two parents whose child was burned when a boiling pot of water was overturned on top of him.  The bulk of the story is about the panic of the daddy and the mommy and their efforts to try and calm the child down and get the boiling water off.

I read this piece in my Intro to Creative Writing class and it was definitely a hard read the first time through.  In reading it again, I was able to appreciate the construction of the story.  I could not think of a better way to make an urgent and panicky scene than to make it one giant paragraph with no dialogue and only from one point of view.  The long sentences are like stream of conscious and they can cover several different subjects before they end.

I really loved when he mimicked dialogue like on page 707, "the Mommy said their God's first name."  He didn't have to include quotes and a new paragraph because this was much more concise and effective. It kept up with the pace while still adding speaking details.  I liked how the one narrator did all of the assessing.  The only time we got emotion was in his analytical descriptions of the actions going on.  The diction Wallace used painted the picture and helped conjure the emotion in the reader more than any dialogue could have.

The ending for me is strange.  It is definitely juxtaposed against the use of the Mommy and the Daddy and other phrases is the story that sound like the Daddy is talking to a child.  From what I understand, the child died and this man is kind of creating a life in his imagination for their child.  One, however, that isn't entirely tangible.  And that is kind of how it may be to lose a child.  You can't ever reconcile what happened and you can't ever conjure up a concrete image of who the child is after years pass.

Such a sad, sad story but very nicely written.  I hate to say I enjoyed reading it again.

Response to Patrick Padilla's "Baking Cookies"

Patrick -

This story was from the point of view of a little boy, Matt.  It was a story about his mother sexually abusing him though he didn't realize that it was abuse.  He thought it was just playing.

This story is tough.  It is hard to imagine what actually goes through a child's thoughts when they are treated this way and it is also hard to imagine the kind of thoughts that go through this kind of mother's head.  I think you did a really good job of confronting this issue in a way that is upsetting because the poor kid is so taken advantage of but also in a readable way.

The one thing I would like for you to establish early on is the actual age of Matt.  I couldn't figure out his age because he knows what powdered sugar is, he is reading a recipe to his mother and yet his mother has to bend down to his level in order to hug him.  She also uses big words like "vile" and "usurp" in front of him and he seems to understand.  But a kid that is convinced the way his mother is treating him is called playing, would, in my opinion, be around four or five years old.

Also, I wish that I was a bit more effected by the end.  I feel like the end should have had higher stakes and maybe Matt shouldn't have complied with Mrs. Lady so easily.  If he loved his mother so much, why wasn't he yelling and screaming when he was taken away from her, and if it is because he always had a feeling the playing was actually bad, then give him a moment of enlightenment.  I think what I am getting at is that I never sensed much of a change in Matt's character.  He never had internal conflict or a moment's doubt that his mother was not like a normal mom.

I like how you incorporated the cooking scene.  I also think you did a good job creating a younger voice for Matt.  I think if you established his actual age, the dialogue would be much clearer and you can really settle into a voice rather than having the moments where he seems older or younger than he should.

There were a few grammatical and misspelling errors in there to go back and look for.

Response to Robert Lee's "A Different Place"

Robert -

This story is about a guy whose dad and friends get into a wreck when they were in Costa Rica.  The narrator experiences it from his home and has mixed feelings about it.

I don't think your main character ever changed throughout the story but, I do think there are a lot of different directions you could take this story.  Our grieving over things that are out of our control is definitely an interesting thing to write about and so are our relationships with our parents.

You did have a major conflict (the wreck that was in a foreign country) but it wasn't as effective as it could have been if the main character was characterized a bit more.  If I had been able to grieve along with him, and had he changed over the course of the story, I would come away with a better understanding.  Right now I feel like you have the workings of a story but not quite a story yet.

Maybe you could explore the dad's side.  I found myself trying to imagine what a wreck in a foreign country would be like.  What if you made the story a re-telling?  The dad could be telling the son about the events and you could get the son's thoughts that a processing what he was hearing.  He could change his opinion of his dad from being a boring old man who was always bossing him to a man who was courageous and someone he may want to be like after all.  That may be cliche but it is a rough idea.

Watch out for grammatical errors and also for nonsensical sentences.  Sometimes it seems like you changed your idea mid sentence and never went back to make it more clear.

Response to "Kids" by Alyson Smith

Alyson-

This story is about teenage girls at church camp.

The things about this story is that there is really no conflict Jenny is dealing with except for her judgment on the girls she is rooming with at camp.  She never changes throughout the story.  I feel like you could condense all of her watching and judging how they do things to a paragraph or two because it gets cliche.  It seems that things happen so Jenny can judge how stupid it is; like that is the only reason the story keeps going. I feel like it gets in the way of Jenny's character development.  It just gets really negative and Jenny's emotion never rises above that judgmental sarcasm.  I also found that I couldn't keep any of the girls's names straight.  I didn't know how many there actually were and if there was anyone else at the camp besides them.  I also didn't believe Jenny was their age.

I think you can have a good story.  I like how you describe the girls getting ready in the morning, like the girl whose hair looked like a desert bush.  I like the comedy in the images you create and I would like to see that continued.  I think you have an interesting situation of girls that go to church camp that are obviously not Christian, or I guess they are painted as hypocrites here.  I think if you want to keep them at church camp then make that more significant.  I think it can have the same effect though, and a less offensive one, if you put it at a normal camp.

Response to Matt Diaz's "Fortune"

Matt-

This story is about a man and a dog whose home was invaded by two robbers.  The dog gets shot but the man attempts to escape at the end.

Your story was very interesting.  It kept me engaged the entire time I was reading it because you inserted the main character's thoughts between small scenes of high tension situations.  This was not a typical character, truly not a cliche so I was interested in his thoughts because I knew they may not be like mine.  I like how you were able to make sitting in front of the TV eating Oreos interesting by your use of description.  I think that is what is golden about your story.  The thoughtfulness and the detailed images are intriguing.  I think you also did a good job making each scene clear.  There weren't any instances where I got lost or where I felt the action was inconsistent.

What bothered me the most is there are some words that were typed wrong, for example, "But even now I hesitate, after all that he is done..."  I'm pretty sure the "is" should be "has".  There were three or four instances like this that bothered me.  I also think that the main character's voice was oddly elementary compared the complex words that were inserted every now and then.  I completely respect your vocabulary but the strange juxtaposition threw me off.  I almost could read it in a child's voice and I don't know too much about the I to know if there is a reason he spoke or thought like that.  He also seemed pretty calm for having his dog killed.  I came to like the dog because of the first two paragraphs of your story and was sad at the images of his laying there bleeding.  I wondered why there wasn't more of an emotional response from the main character.  I think I would just like to have more things included that characterize the main character.  I would like something that indicated he is a normal businessman that just gets by, no wife, watches TV until he falls asleep and then I may understand why he does what he does and thinks what he thinks more effectively.

Response to Shelby Rice's "Beyond the Line"

Shelby-

This story was about a man named Isaac, married to a woman named Sophie, who is a soldier in a foreign place.  Eventually, he has to choose to obey an order to bomb a school or receiving a court martial.  He chooses the court martial which means he can go back home to his wife.

I was captured from the first sentence.  I think the scene on the bed was nicely presented.  The reason why it got my attention is because there were so many questions I had from the beginning, where does he have to go?  How long will he be there?  The whole story and its direction was very clear to me the entire time.  I also liked the dialogue you included.  I felt like it was natural and I didn't have a hard time telling the difference between the people.  I also like how you painted images in my head with different words than normal.

I did notice that Sophie seemed very important in the beginning scene and we only have a reference to her two more times in the story.  The scene where Isaac pulls out her picture is nice but it is what I always think of soldiers doing.  I think you could still use that scene but add some tension, but also add more references to her.  I never feel the tension being in war puts on their relationship again like I did in the first scene.  It was clouded by all of the fighting and planning to fight and coordinating.  I actually would have liked the story to be more about his and Sophie's relationship than all of the military scenes.  I think you have a wonderful knowledge of military terms and such but there was never the tension there that I first experienced, again, in the first scene.  One more thing, in the beginning you have a big vocabulary but as the story progresses it disappears.

Response to Kevin Boy's "Brotherly Love"

Kevin-

This story was about two brothers who are trying to live together after Steven (one of the brothers), I assume, left his wife.  The main conflict is that they cannot afford to live in the house that has been in their family for generations but Steven is too connected to it to leave and William is ready to accept a job and leave the house.

A problem I had with the beginning of your story is that there seems to be a lot of different people introduced in dialogue and action without warning.  Aunt Wilma makes a small appearance never to be seen again, and a kid shows up that I didn't know was there.  I ended up confused throughout page 2 and onto page 3 when someone named Patrick shows up, never to be seen again (I think this may have been a typo, however).  It started at, "Nice throw, Samuel."  I never see Samuel again either so I assume that is supposed to be Samantha.

Also, I wish there was more conflict.  I think you have good opportunities for higher stakes with the cigarette scene and the scene when the brothers are in the basement shooting pool and drinking.  Also with the house meaning so much to the family.  I'd like for you to dwell on one longer that you have in this draft and see where it goes.

The last scene was also a bit troublesome for me because I found it somewhat unbelievable.  I don't know how a robber would have been able to get all the way into their attic without them noticing him sooner.  It seemed strange that the man would go to the attic and not steal their electronics that would be downstairs. It may just be me though.

I think you have a good story with a lot of potential.  I think you have a good knack for wording dialogue naturally and you should use that more to your advantage to develop your characters.  I liked that you flipped the parenting relationship we normally see in stories to two brothers instead of the nagging parents who want to be divorced or who are divorcing.  Cool perspective.

Response to Christina Kettering's "Dress Rehearsal"

Christina-

This piece is about two sisters, Diana and Kate, who are a year apart.  We mostly see from Kate's perspective.  As the plot moves, she is at first in anticipation of prom as well as a play she is in.  She is putting off a relationship with Sean and she is bitter over her relationship with her younger sister.

I think you have a great handle on dialogue.  It kept me interested--the dialogue progressed very naturally and characterized Kate and Diana and Sean nicely, which I really liked.  My favorite dialogue was between Kate and Sean on page 4:

"My math teacher called me Diana again."
"Don't try to change the subject."
"I'm a year older, a foot taller, and I have red hair."
"You're avoiding the issue."
"I don't look a think like her."
"Actually, you have the same chin."

I won't write all of it, but I felt that this was a nice speed for a short story and really mimics something I could hear or say myself.  It also was a point of tension, a conflict we knew had been building and now we are actually getting a display of the character's true sentiments toward her sister.

I did feel like this may have been one of the only points of big tension though.  I would have liked to see higher stakes because the subject you chose, especially for teenaged girls has high stakes in their minds.  What I suggest is maybe choosing whether to go with a conflict within Kate's relationship with her sister or her relationship with Sean.  For a max of 15 pages, maybe you can only pursue one.  Or maybe you find that both do work for 15 pages but you may need to cut out some of the scenes and add stakes to the ones you keep.  I think this story has great potential.  You already have some stakes and great instances like the scene when she is on stage for dress rehearsal and says different lines.  Make that scene more telling and dramatic, or maybe more of a catharsis for Kate than it seems now.

The only other thing I had a hard time with was distinguishing between Kate and Diana.  They seem very similar from the beginning and I couldn't keep straight which was going to prom and which was older.

Response to Janelle Green's "The Truth Behind the Window"

Janelle,

“The Truth Behind the Window” seems to be about a woman, Christina, who observes the goings on in her well-to-do neighborhood.  From it she realizes that she is stuck in a terrible marriage and that her neighbors are hiding terrible marriages and other things behind their wealth as well.  Christina though seems like the only voice of reason.

The issue I found first is that you tell me a lot in the story that I would rather find out from the actions in the story.  For example, when the little girl falls off her bike after whining that it wouldn’t go all by itself, you wrote, “She was one of those whiny little brats that cried about the smallest of things, and this turned out to be one of those times.”  This sentence is basically a summary of what I had guessed was the case in the scene.  By you telling me, the scene loses its effect and I feel less engaged.  Also, the use of the stars to separate the sections--I don’t know if you really need those.  When I first saw them I thought your story was going to be a series of scenes Christina witnessed as she watched out of her window, but it turned a lot more into a single story about Christina.  Lastly, I had a hard time fully understanding Christina as a character.  I think if you did a bit less telling that would solve a bit of the problem.  I never had to try and understand her point of view for myself but I would have preferred to figure it out myself.

What I did like is how Christina is observing through her window.  I think that is an accurate, believable depiction of a woman living in that kind of rich neighborhood.  I also think it is an interesting statement about the frivolousness of wealth and what it does to our character.  Even she feels the need to hide behind a window to watch her neighbors that are hiding behind prideful demeanors and nice houses.  I also liked how you referenced the Macarena and Ward Cleaver.  Those are fun and really let me take part in imagining the scene.

Response to T.C. Boyle's "The Love of My Life"

"...clouds the color of iron filings, the lake hammered to iron too, and the storm that crashed through the trees beat at their tent with a thousand angry fists."  What an awesome line!  When I read this, I had a vivd image in my head of what the clouds would have looked like.  Cool.

For the beginning of this story to be successful, Boyle had to use something unconventional to pull the story up from something cliche.  It could have gone downhill so fast because teenage love is just sappy and shallow and we've heard that all before.  I think his language, his diction is the aspect that saves this story from being that.  So many times he uses descriptions that I have not heard, many of them gruesome too--"He never gave a thought to what lay discarded in the Dumpster out back, itself wrapped in plastic, so much meat, so much cold meat."  But this diction was so relevant to the character of Jeremy.  He can't say that he threw away his own baby; it had to be lifeless and non-human for him to be able to justify his actions.  But what an awful justification.

From the beginning of the short story I was not expecting the ending in any way.  I did not know that this had been a news story, so if I had I may have clued in sooner.  But the events leading up to her pregnancy weren't my favorite.  He did, however, include a deeper conflict when they were camping and China told Jeremy "I will never be like those breeders that bring their puffed-up squalling little red-faced babies to class."  Then I figured she would probably get pregnant.  But the pregnancy that did happen was far out of what I would have believed would happen.  And that made the couple's relationship from the beginning much more significant.

I just can't say enough about Boyle's imagery.  I scanned through the story after I read it just to read my favorite lines again.  

Response: "Vacation from Boyhood" by Cole Stuart

Summary:

Two guys, Connor and the narrator, who have been friends, but not best friends, since they were young decide to go on a weekend trip to express their manliness.  We see them as they prepare for their trip, pick up beer and snacks, arrive at the cabin, make a fire, and eventually burn down the cabin.

Cole,

First I want to mention the wordiness found in your story that continues through to the end.  If you would comb through and delete unnecessary words, the voice of your narrator would mature and you would leave yourself more room for characterization and setting descriptions that I found lacking.  Second, I felt that neither of your characters were wanting in your story.  Sure, they both wanted to act manly but I didn’t see the significance of this to Connor or the narrator other than simply to reproduce old times.  Even if your narrator wants to remember days past, that can be a good desire to put in him.  Just take it further so that the reader can experience tension alongside him.  To please your reader, you really need to include him or her.  I wanted to feel alongside Connor and the narrator but I never got to bridge the gap that stood between their story and my feelings about it.  I felt distanced from them when I would rather be in their heads feeling joy when they feel joy and worry when they feel worry and all that jazz.

I did like the comedic instances you included in the thoughts and speech of the narrator.  I think that can be used effectively, especially in the case of having characters who are college aged.  I also think there is an extent to which it can be too much so you will have to be careful.  I do suggest you keep it though.  I also think you have a good plot in your hands.  I think the story has good potential and there are a lot of places you can add tension and such.

Response: "The Day Beverly Lost Jessica" by Paul Vance

I was pretty sure I had posted this last week...but I was looking again and apparently I hadn't.  I'm very sorry!

As a quick summary, Paul’s short story was about a mother named Beverly and her daughter, Jessica, who go to a talent agency (World Wide Music) that seemingly represents only teenagers.  While they are there, Jessica’s talent for singing is discovered and as Beverly tries to discuss the next steps with Jackson, who works for the agency, Jessica messes with the music controls in the room and a fight breaks out in the lobby.  During these events Beverly loses Jessica.

Paul,

I had a problem deciphering the first paragraph because of the run-ons.  I know this was intentional but it was hard to read and actually realize the plot.  I couldn’t tell for a couple of lines whether Beverly or Jessica was the one whose thoughts were revealed.  If her voice had sounded a bit more mature I think I would have gotten it quicker.  I also think the block of text is a strange contrast to the heavy dialogue that comes after it.  Maybe if the beginning narration was broken into a few more sentences then the dialogue would feel more comfortable.  I think the reason why the first sentence doesn’t work at it’s present length is because we don’t sense that nervous energy Beverly has because of the situation from the very beginning because we haven’t learned enough for her to be so overly nervous.  Her nervousness irked me for a bit until I realized why she could have been so nervous.  Lastly, I don’t quite understand what happened at the very end and I would like to know physically where Jessica went.

I did like the story as a whole and the direction it headed in.  I like the use of a mother and daughter relationship growing apart because of age.  That is interesting and I think you represented it in a not so expected or predictable way.  I think you achieved this with the dialogue and also with the focus not so much on Beverly’s thoughts but the actions that are taking place around her.  I really enjoyed your dialogue and how you let it carry the plot.  

Cafeteria Conversation

101 Dalmations.

     The real one?

No. The cartoon one all the way. I don’t associate the real one with Disney because Disney is Mulan, Pocahontas, Cinderella... Mulan is a hero, just like Pocahontas.  Such a boss.  She united two countries, she was introduced to John Smith, she wasn’t racist.

     That’s fantastic.

And that’s really important to me, because culture is important to me.  Let me think...Pixar is good but it’s not Disney.  They have some good movies like Finding Nemo...

     Toy Story? 

Toy story I consider Disney because it’s such a classic.

     That was still when they were kinda together too.

Yeah, and my first dog was named Woody and now my dog is named Belle.  I always have to have dogs named after disney characters.  Otherwise it’s not...

     Kosher.

Right!  Then it’s not a real dog.  Yeah, Finding Nemo was a great movie but it can be done without.  You know?

     So if you were, like, in charge of Disney, would you allow them to associate with all these other movies or would you make them strictly make cartoons like the classics?

Um, here’s the thing.  If I were in charge of Disney, I would own the world, and I would keep people like Pixar under my wing, but the name “Disney” would only go on so many things.  

     Gotcha.

ABC family?  You don’t see anything about Disney on there.  ESPN?  But let me tell you, Disney owns it.

     I know!  I know because I had to go to my sister’s dance competition at the ESPN Milkhouse or whatever.

Yeah!  Did it have a restaurant?

     Yeah! 

See, The Disney cruise that y’all should all go on with me has an ESPN sky bar. It’s really cool.

     By the way, I want to be counted in for softball.

Alright!  Man, I still forget you and Hannah are related.  Y’all don’t look anything alike.

     Yeah.

She was always really nice to me though.

     That’s good to hear.  I can bear living with her but I hate cleaning dishes and she hates when the sink is full.  But I use styrofoam most of the time.

You use styrofoam?  You should just was the dishes.  Styrofoam kills the environment.  Do you want to be the single person that tears down the forest?  That kills Pocahontas’s land?

     Just for you I am going to go buy a bottle of acetone and pour it all over my styrofoam plates so they disintegrate.

Why don’t you just wash dishes?  Dane washes dishes.  He washes his solo cups.

Response to Richard Bausch's "1-900"

I really enjoyed the all-dialogue aspect of this story.  The possibilities of using this in different contexts is now running through my mind.  What I enjoyed most is the role that is given to the reader.  Bausch hands us the opportunity to decipher why these two people would have such a conversation.  Why would John call a sex line so he could chat about his failing marriage?  And why would Marilyn/Sharon stay on the line for so long if she was truly irked by John’s desire to get to know her?  This kind of reaction to a short story is what proves its effectiveness.  

Had we been given a narrator, I would not have been able to last the whole 21 pages before I put the book down to do something else for a bit.  It would have done the work in trying to figure out the characters for me and the pace of the conversation, which also kept me reading, would have been much too slow.  Both of these characters wanted something.  John wanted to see his kids and Marilyn/Sharon wanted to hear her boyfriend tell her “I love you”.  These characters were dynamic and complicated and unexpected and fun to interpret.

I was confused about the title during the bulk of reading because I didn’t know what 1-900 numbers were.  Despite me not understanding it, I think the title is fit for this short story because it carries that sense of anonymity; the entire conversation I was skeptical of whether John and Marilyn/Sharon were actually telling the truth to each other and that brought so much more significance to the use of 1-900 as the title.  Even the specifics in the conversation were non-specific.  What an interesting way to make a statement about conversation being more intimate than sex.

Response to Denis Johnson's "Emergency"

The obvious part of this short story is that both Georgie and the narrator (whose name we never learn) are both on drugs.  We learn in the beginning that the both of them steal drugs from the E.R. they work in.  Since both of them are tripping for the entire story, we have a case of an unreliable narrator, which to me proved frustrating.  You do not find answers or reasons for these characters to act the way they do.  Neither do you find explanations of why Terrence Weber, the man who was stabbed in his eye by his wife, recovered or was even able to walk to the hospital, or if that even happened at all.  

Also, there were multiple religious references throughout the story.  Georgie said Jesus several times while crying when he was cleaning up blood that actually was not there and later when they were driving around in the car he said he wanted to go to a chapel and worship.  Then, the narrator describes a scene he thinks he sees in front of him of a graveyard and above it the sky was opened with angels descending.  But it turned out it wasn’t a graveyard; it was a drive in.  I can’t make much out of the reason for these references, if there is any.

Honestly, I did not enjoy reading the story because I couldn’t understand why it was written.  The very last line didn’t seem resonant with what I had learned about Georgie previously.  He told Hardee the hitchhiker that his job is saving lives.  He did seem  to save Terrence Weber’s life though, all he did was pull a knife out of him and he saved the baby bunnies from the dead mother only for them to be killed by the narrator.  I did, however, go back to read the beginning again to see if it would enlighten me any.

Couch Potato

It’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t even turn the lights on anymore.  From the minute he walks in the door to the minute his eyes fall closed the only light is the incandescent glow of the television screen and the only voices heard come from speakers mounted on the walls, surrounding him like an external consciousness.  Men who are stronger and slimmer and more talented than him tell him where he should eat, what he should drink, what kind of women he should date, what electronics he should buy...

All the while he becomes acutely aware of his flesh--the way his belly sits in his lap and how his muscles are hidden under ever storing lipids.  It’s as if all these characters are leaning over his still body, that’s strapped to a chair, staring intently at his exposed brain.  And they proceed to probe it: Dr. House telling him he’s unintelligent, Tom Brady telling him he’s weak, The Bachelor reminding him he is alone, and the televangelists screaming that he’s headed straight for Hell.  And he starts to think he is.  So he prays himself to sleep wondering if the anesthesia will ever wear off and asking if it is possible that he can ever be more than a couch potato.

Response to Lydia Davis's "Television"

A noticeable aspect of Lydia Davis's story is her use of “we” and “they” in the first section and into the second section.  In the very first lines she writes, “We have all these favorite shows coming on every evening.  They say it will be exciting and it always is.”  Without a specific person assigned to the “we” Davis is able to speak for the reader.  It seems like the “we” is assigned to the general public who has been sucked into watching television every night and the “they” are the producers of it who “force” or “influence” us to continue.  This device allows for any reader to feel as if they are the narrator.

Into the second section, Davis begins to use “I” but halfway down, she uses “you” in several lines.  She could be assigning the reader with feelings, or she may be allowing the reader to experience the narrator’s thoughts personally.  This actually sparked compassion in me for the narrator.  The mindless, hypnotism the television has “coaxed” the narrator into has caused them to do things they would rather not do, like watch shows all night long.  This use of non-specific pronouns is strategic to Davis’s story because had we been given specifics, the reader would have been more at an arm’s length away from the conflict.  The non-specifics are what allow any reader to see the conflict as theirs.

Also an interesting device was the story’s division into numbered sections.  Each section did start a new television show or group of shows that the narrator discussed but I do not believe that was her sole intention in using numbers.  As the numbers progress from one to three, the form of her paragraphs move from short, one sentence paragraphs, to paragraphs that aren’t indented, and finally to longer paragraphs with multiple sentences.  They reflect a progression of thought, or maybe understanding that the narrator has obtained.  Overall, the numbered sections give each stage of understanding the effects of television relevance and as the reader reaches the end of section three, they can conclude along with Davis that we have mistaken television for reality.