Response: "The Day Beverly Lost Jessica" by Paul Vance

I was pretty sure I had posted this last week...but I was looking again and apparently I hadn't.  I'm very sorry!

As a quick summary, Paul’s short story was about a mother named Beverly and her daughter, Jessica, who go to a talent agency (World Wide Music) that seemingly represents only teenagers.  While they are there, Jessica’s talent for singing is discovered and as Beverly tries to discuss the next steps with Jackson, who works for the agency, Jessica messes with the music controls in the room and a fight breaks out in the lobby.  During these events Beverly loses Jessica.

Paul,

I had a problem deciphering the first paragraph because of the run-ons.  I know this was intentional but it was hard to read and actually realize the plot.  I couldn’t tell for a couple of lines whether Beverly or Jessica was the one whose thoughts were revealed.  If her voice had sounded a bit more mature I think I would have gotten it quicker.  I also think the block of text is a strange contrast to the heavy dialogue that comes after it.  Maybe if the beginning narration was broken into a few more sentences then the dialogue would feel more comfortable.  I think the reason why the first sentence doesn’t work at it’s present length is because we don’t sense that nervous energy Beverly has because of the situation from the very beginning because we haven’t learned enough for her to be so overly nervous.  Her nervousness irked me for a bit until I realized why she could have been so nervous.  Lastly, I don’t quite understand what happened at the very end and I would like to know physically where Jessica went.

I did like the story as a whole and the direction it headed in.  I like the use of a mother and daughter relationship growing apart because of age.  That is interesting and I think you represented it in a not so expected or predictable way.  I think you achieved this with the dialogue and also with the focus not so much on Beverly’s thoughts but the actions that are taking place around her.  I really enjoyed your dialogue and how you let it carry the plot.